The Effects of a Dysfunctional, Unhealthy Mother
Mother's Day is best known as the day where everything is about spoiling your matriarch, to let her know how much she is valued. While a fantastic mom is part of the foundation for a good person, some of us have to navigate the effects of a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship with a toxic mother.
Earlier this week, Tokyo Toni (Blac Chyna's mom) went on social media and cussed out her daughter. That is to say, Toni remarked she was embarrassed to be Chyna's mom and implied that she should've had an abortion. She admitted her plan to "divorce" her child on Chyna's birthday until she receives an apology. Tokyo Toni mentioned multiple times how giving birth was life-threatening, how she sold her body just to feed and clothe her daughter! All this, apparently because Blac Chyna refused to give her own mother $30 for some food to eat.
Keep in mind that I don't know them personally nor do I wish to, but from what I gathered, Tokyo Toni is an entitled, manipulating woman who uses her bond as a method to take advantage of Chyna. The social media exchange definitely shows underlying trauma, most likely due to dysfunction. With intergenerational trauma present in the black community, it's possible that the unhealthy behaviors were passed down from Blac Chyna's grandmother. Unfortunately, there are plenty of other women who manipulate their children in the same way and it's unacceptable.
In the age of freedom of speech, people fail to get how impactful your words are. A person may forget what you said to them but they will never forget how you made them feel and there are some things you can never take back. Part of the power of saying whatever you want is the responsibility of self-awareness. Unhealthy relationships become an anchor, potentially dragging down other areas in life.
In fact, I had no idea that was not a typical relationship for a parent to have with their child until last year. I picked up the book Between Fathers and Daughters as a tool to help repair my relationship with my dad and in the process, it helped me realized the damage that took place with my mom.
Linda Nielsen writes that society tends to idealize mothers, sometimes to the extent of being extra critical with dad since mom is the fragile, beautiful saint of the family. One way my mom tried to establish that was by selectively telling me as a kid, what my dad did wrong in their romantic relationship.
Mothers who speak ill of their baby daddies in front of the babies are chipping away at the sentiments of Dad. If you were isolated from your father and your mom only refers to him as a bastard, what would you naturally believe? That your mom is right! Even if she is correct, she has no right to taint the feelings of her offspring. To mom, that's an ex that was no good. To the children, that's their first example of a male role model.
This can get so extreme that daughters of dysfunctional moms can experience what's known as role reversal, where the daughter feels responsible for the mom's well being. Whether there is a demand for attention, money, or in Chyna's case all of the above, emotionally unhealthy moms abandon their role as the provider and expect to be taken care of in return.
From what I understand, using her own words, Toni is lashing out because she can no longer live off of Blac Chyna. Toni is trying to guilt trip her daughter and act like her daughter owes her. How Sway, how could somebody who didn't ask to be born owe someone for their existence?! Maybe it is an aspect of black culture ("I brought you into this world and I'll take you out!") or this weird unspoken ownership of one's children, but no one asked to be alive. Yes, it is better than death but no one had a role in their creation except for the parents.
It's not Chyna's fault that Toni almost died in childbirth. Just like it wasn't her fault that her momma was "sucking dicks" for income. No one owes anything to anyone, let alone a child. After what Toni had to say, it's probably for the best that Chyna doesn't have contact with her. Their relationship is toxic and both women need space and time to heal.
If Tokyo Toni's words or behavior seem familiar to you, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault either. It's okay to love and cherish your mom from a distance. I still try and intend to without sacrificing my own well being.
I hope this Sunday that Chyna and Toni can celebrate, or at the very least, that Toni doesn't go hungry. I hope that they can both seek a therapist to permanently lay their issues to rest and enjoy the rest of their lives. For the sake of the grandkids, I would love to see them eventually live as a functional family. I hope that both women recognize that the internet has documented their previous spats. It's part of the legacy they're leaving behind. I hope that both women can find some sort of peace and love with each other.
Although it seems arbitrary and silly to only show affection for one day out of an entire year, most women look forward to it. I even have had strangers wish me a "Happy Mother's Day " without checking if I'm even a mother! And I'm not! I don't intend on demonizing the joy and celebration of the holiday and its rituals. I do have to point out how good Dads put in just as much effort, blood, sweat and tears (yes, tears!) into parenting but Father's Day isn't the male equivalent of Mother's Day. Most Dads don't get celebrated as much as Moms do. If you can't enjoy the holiday with mom, why not use this as an extra day to give Dad love?
This is just a heartwarming shout out to everyone out there who doesn't have the privilege of good mothering. As the child, this is your time. This is your life. Don't let the fear of turning out like your mediocre mother shackle you. Yes, she is a part of you but she isn't you. You are you. You deserve love, respect and healthy relationships with or without a functioning mother in your life.
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Earlier this week, Tokyo Toni (Blac Chyna's mom) went on social media and cussed out her daughter. That is to say, Toni remarked she was embarrassed to be Chyna's mom and implied that she should've had an abortion. She admitted her plan to "divorce" her child on Chyna's birthday until she receives an apology. Tokyo Toni mentioned multiple times how giving birth was life-threatening, how she sold her body just to feed and clothe her daughter! All this, apparently because Blac Chyna refused to give her own mother $30 for some food to eat.
Keep in mind that I don't know them personally nor do I wish to, but from what I gathered, Tokyo Toni is an entitled, manipulating woman who uses her bond as a method to take advantage of Chyna. The social media exchange definitely shows underlying trauma, most likely due to dysfunction. With intergenerational trauma present in the black community, it's possible that the unhealthy behaviors were passed down from Blac Chyna's grandmother. Unfortunately, there are plenty of other women who manipulate their children in the same way and it's unacceptable.
In the age of freedom of speech, people fail to get how impactful your words are. A person may forget what you said to them but they will never forget how you made them feel and there are some things you can never take back. Part of the power of saying whatever you want is the responsibility of self-awareness. Unhealthy relationships become an anchor, potentially dragging down other areas in life.
In fact, I had no idea that was not a typical relationship for a parent to have with their child until last year. I picked up the book Between Fathers and Daughters as a tool to help repair my relationship with my dad and in the process, it helped me realized the damage that took place with my mom.
Linda Nielsen writes that society tends to idealize mothers, sometimes to the extent of being extra critical with dad since mom is the fragile, beautiful saint of the family. One way my mom tried to establish that was by selectively telling me as a kid, what my dad did wrong in their romantic relationship.
Mothers who speak ill of their baby daddies in front of the babies are chipping away at the sentiments of Dad. If you were isolated from your father and your mom only refers to him as a bastard, what would you naturally believe? That your mom is right! Even if she is correct, she has no right to taint the feelings of her offspring. To mom, that's an ex that was no good. To the children, that's their first example of a male role model.
This can get so extreme that daughters of dysfunctional moms can experience what's known as role reversal, where the daughter feels responsible for the mom's well being. Whether there is a demand for attention, money, or in Chyna's case all of the above, emotionally unhealthy moms abandon their role as the provider and expect to be taken care of in return.
From what I understand, using her own words, Toni is lashing out because she can no longer live off of Blac Chyna. Toni is trying to guilt trip her daughter and act like her daughter owes her. How Sway, how could somebody who didn't ask to be born owe someone for their existence?! Maybe it is an aspect of black culture ("I brought you into this world and I'll take you out!") or this weird unspoken ownership of one's children, but no one asked to be alive. Yes, it is better than death but no one had a role in their creation except for the parents.
It's not Chyna's fault that Toni almost died in childbirth. Just like it wasn't her fault that her momma was "sucking dicks" for income. No one owes anything to anyone, let alone a child. After what Toni had to say, it's probably for the best that Chyna doesn't have contact with her. Their relationship is toxic and both women need space and time to heal.
If Tokyo Toni's words or behavior seem familiar to you, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault either. It's okay to love and cherish your mom from a distance. I still try and intend to without sacrificing my own well being.
I hope this Sunday that Chyna and Toni can celebrate, or at the very least, that Toni doesn't go hungry. I hope that they can both seek a therapist to permanently lay their issues to rest and enjoy the rest of their lives. For the sake of the grandkids, I would love to see them eventually live as a functional family. I hope that both women recognize that the internet has documented their previous spats. It's part of the legacy they're leaving behind. I hope that both women can find some sort of peace and love with each other.
Although it seems arbitrary and silly to only show affection for one day out of an entire year, most women look forward to it. I even have had strangers wish me a "Happy Mother's Day " without checking if I'm even a mother! And I'm not! I don't intend on demonizing the joy and celebration of the holiday and its rituals. I do have to point out how good Dads put in just as much effort, blood, sweat and tears (yes, tears!) into parenting but Father's Day isn't the male equivalent of Mother's Day. Most Dads don't get celebrated as much as Moms do. If you can't enjoy the holiday with mom, why not use this as an extra day to give Dad love?
This is just a heartwarming shout out to everyone out there who doesn't have the privilege of good mothering. As the child, this is your time. This is your life. Don't let the fear of turning out like your mediocre mother shackle you. Yes, she is a part of you but she isn't you. You are you. You deserve love, respect and healthy relationships with or without a functioning mother in your life.
Share, Like, Comment, Subscribe.
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