Stop Choosing to Suffer | You are Not Powerless
"Do you know the difference between pain and suffering? Pain is always there because life is freakin' painful - but suffering is a choice."
When Tiffany, the black-haired drug addict from Orange is the New Black (OITNB) spoke those words, a dark veil had been lifted from my eyes. Like a spark of electricity that lit up a row of street lamps on a dark cloudy night, I realized that I was the victim of suffering, instead of pain. I was watching season four on a humid day, right after I was abused by my boyfriend at the time. It was my first "committed" relationship, so I didn't understand how toxic it was. He broke my possessions, cheated and lied to me, and would hit me whenever I tried to find my voice to complain. I thought this is a part of love, surviving the rocky waves to get to calmer waters.
Just a few hours prior, I used my boyfriend's phone to call my dad (he smashed my cell to bits in an argument) and I saw texts between him and another woman. I could no longer deny that he was unfaithful. When I confronted him, he gave me an ultimatum: either we open up our relationship or he was single.
I tried to imagine myself sleeping with other people when my emotions were tied to him. I tried to sacrifice my need for exclusivity but I couldn't. I begged him to stay with me, pleaded that we could be happy if we just worked it out. At first, he agreed, but it became apparent that was another lie. After I found him scrolling through a dating app, I broke down emotionally.
I stopped eating and talking, lost all motivation for the future. I guess he finally noticed my heartbreak because he turned on OITNB for me to watch. That stone shattered the glass house I had cowered in for shelter. It became clear that it would never get better. Unless I wanted to lose every sense of myself to an awful relationship, I had to move on. I never made the choice to be abused but I was choosing to stay with my abuser. I was actively choosing to suffer.
After breaking up and getting far away from him, I had another battle to fight. The trauma I went through changed me into someone who was hard to love. I hated going out and meeting people. I wanted to escape my sorrows through a haze of weed smoke. Whenever someone tried to approach me, I'd push them away, out of fear of abandonment. I already had lost so much and I couldn't bear to lose anymore. I was a perpetual victim of circumstances that were out of my control. It felt like life was nothing but agony.
Months and months of this vicious cycle went by and that OITNB quote popped up again. I realized this pain was made worse from my choice to suffer with it. I had nothing to lose. Resting at my "rock bottom" of misery, I decided to do something about it. I couldn't afford to see a therapist but I found a few self-help books that were based in psychology and analyzed my behavior. I found motivational and mindfulness podcasts to listen to. I watched videos on youtube to improve my communication skills and the ability to process my emotions in a healthy way. This was one of the most difficult parts of my journey because it required brutal honesty. I was the only person who could hold myself accountable. If I made excuses or minimized the damaged my behavior caused, then I was the only one who would suffer. My quality of life was at stake, and I was determined to improve it.
By the time I applied glue to my broken heart, it was too late to mend the relationships I had ruined. My beloved friends had moved on and my parents were extremely fed up. I had nightmares of guilt and daydreams of one day explaining myself to seek redemption. They already learned the lesson I had just finished and refused to look back. They went through the pain I caused them but made sure to not suffer with it again. I cannot and do not blame them. True love for someone is the desire for their happiness and if our relationship had to be severed to achieve it, so be it. No one deserves to suffer due to my trauma or selfish wishes.
So although you had no option to pick up the baggage you have, the choice to put it down is yours. Too many people complain about how heavy it is or try to rest their bag onto someone else's back to carry for them. That's when the abused become toxic themselves. Every oppressor, dominator, and abuser has a choice: either you continue to suffer or decide to move on and reclaim your life. The freedom of choice includes the weight of consequence for our actions. Even when we act out as self-perceived victims, we cannot opt out of responsibility. We can't control when we get hurt but we can make the decision to heal, accept the effects of our past decisions and move to forward.
When Tiffany, the black-haired drug addict from Orange is the New Black (OITNB) spoke those words, a dark veil had been lifted from my eyes. Like a spark of electricity that lit up a row of street lamps on a dark cloudy night, I realized that I was the victim of suffering, instead of pain. I was watching season four on a humid day, right after I was abused by my boyfriend at the time. It was my first "committed" relationship, so I didn't understand how toxic it was. He broke my possessions, cheated and lied to me, and would hit me whenever I tried to find my voice to complain. I thought this is a part of love, surviving the rocky waves to get to calmer waters.
Just a few hours prior, I used my boyfriend's phone to call my dad (he smashed my cell to bits in an argument) and I saw texts between him and another woman. I could no longer deny that he was unfaithful. When I confronted him, he gave me an ultimatum: either we open up our relationship or he was single.
I tried to imagine myself sleeping with other people when my emotions were tied to him. I tried to sacrifice my need for exclusivity but I couldn't. I begged him to stay with me, pleaded that we could be happy if we just worked it out. At first, he agreed, but it became apparent that was another lie. After I found him scrolling through a dating app, I broke down emotionally.
I stopped eating and talking, lost all motivation for the future. I guess he finally noticed my heartbreak because he turned on OITNB for me to watch. That stone shattered the glass house I had cowered in for shelter. It became clear that it would never get better. Unless I wanted to lose every sense of myself to an awful relationship, I had to move on. I never made the choice to be abused but I was choosing to stay with my abuser. I was actively choosing to suffer.
After breaking up and getting far away from him, I had another battle to fight. The trauma I went through changed me into someone who was hard to love. I hated going out and meeting people. I wanted to escape my sorrows through a haze of weed smoke. Whenever someone tried to approach me, I'd push them away, out of fear of abandonment. I already had lost so much and I couldn't bear to lose anymore. I was a perpetual victim of circumstances that were out of my control. It felt like life was nothing but agony.
Months and months of this vicious cycle went by and that OITNB quote popped up again. I realized this pain was made worse from my choice to suffer with it. I had nothing to lose. Resting at my "rock bottom" of misery, I decided to do something about it. I couldn't afford to see a therapist but I found a few self-help books that were based in psychology and analyzed my behavior. I found motivational and mindfulness podcasts to listen to. I watched videos on youtube to improve my communication skills and the ability to process my emotions in a healthy way. This was one of the most difficult parts of my journey because it required brutal honesty. I was the only person who could hold myself accountable. If I made excuses or minimized the damaged my behavior caused, then I was the only one who would suffer. My quality of life was at stake, and I was determined to improve it.
By the time I applied glue to my broken heart, it was too late to mend the relationships I had ruined. My beloved friends had moved on and my parents were extremely fed up. I had nightmares of guilt and daydreams of one day explaining myself to seek redemption. They already learned the lesson I had just finished and refused to look back. They went through the pain I caused them but made sure to not suffer with it again. I cannot and do not blame them. True love for someone is the desire for their happiness and if our relationship had to be severed to achieve it, so be it. No one deserves to suffer due to my trauma or selfish wishes.
So although you had no option to pick up the baggage you have, the choice to put it down is yours. Too many people complain about how heavy it is or try to rest their bag onto someone else's back to carry for them. That's when the abused become toxic themselves. Every oppressor, dominator, and abuser has a choice: either you continue to suffer or decide to move on and reclaim your life. The freedom of choice includes the weight of consequence for our actions. Even when we act out as self-perceived victims, we cannot opt out of responsibility. We can't control when we get hurt but we can make the decision to heal, accept the effects of our past decisions and move to forward.
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